i found this on a 'wives of alcoholics' board that i frequently lurk.

"I feel that alcoholism breaks down intimacy in a marriage and that is one of the hardest things to get back. I am also finding out how important intimacy is in a marriage. I wish I could tell you how I solved this but the fact is I[sic] struggling with finding the answers myself. The one thing I have learned through all of this is what true intimacy is. For me it is being able to trust your partner enough to be completely vulnerable and this is how you let love in."

i wish i could tell him that, although i know he still won't understand. for him, the whole trust issue is that he has stayed faithful to me and would never cheat on me.

i don't know where he pulls that from, because trust in marriage is a lot more than whether your spouse cheats. it's frustrating, because we go round and round and get nowhere whenever a conversation about intimacy comes up...and it comes up frequently, because that seems to be his main focus, "making love". although it feels like to me that he just wants to fuck.

there will be no "making love" as long as he is actively drinking. it will take time for me to trust him with my heart again. and it sucks for me too. i'm not an old dried up woman, i want sex. i crave passion and being held and loved. i just want to feel as though i'm loved. right now it's all just words to me. he tells me how much he loves me and it's just the same thing he tells me when he's drunk.

tonight he came rolling in, and i don't know if he just drank or if he took pills too, but he was having a tough time navigating and i helped him back to bed [at 6:45 pm]. he said something along the lines of, and i really couldn't understand him, 'i don't want to tell you that we are losing the beach house.' i mean, i didn't know what to say, it hurts to think that is going to happen, but as i told him, 'if it's gone, it's gone'. i have lived for the past 3 years with his threatening to sell it, which is probably why my reaction will not be so mature if it actually happens. this is a hot spot for me. he goes on to say, 'no it hasn't happened but it will and i don't want to disappoint you...you're all i care about.'

well shit. if you don't want to disappoint me and if i'm all you care about, then get your fucking drunk ass back into treatment and actually work the fucking program and become a recovering alcoholic instead of an active/functioning alcoholic. *frustrated face and stomping feet*

he's been sober 9 days this month. he managed to not drink last night, probably because he was so damn hung over from wednesday night. when i spoke with his office manager she told me she could smell the gin on him yesterday, but that she realized he wasn't drinking, but that it was oozing out of his pores. that's a nasty funky smell, let me tell you.

for whatever reason they have stopped making him take a breathalyzer test at work. it used to be first thing in the morning, after lunch and before he headed home...with additional checks if he had left the office during the day and then returned. of course the suckiest part was when the gas station/convenience store across the street from the office got a license to sell liquor.

his asshole of a brother returns tomorrow. i hope he had a fucking wonderful time snow skiing with his 'special lady' or whatever it is he calls her. yeah, she's special alright, a real special piece of work. she sure managed to divide this family, that's for certain. i can't even go to the asshole brother in law for support, because he just uses it against him whenever it suits.

why is all this still going on, after 10 years? i just don't think i can do this for another 10 years, let alone for the rest of my life. he's totally blown 10 years of our lives together and i'm sure he's shaved off several years from his life that will take away from our so-called 'golden years'. the time when the kids are gone and we are supposed to have sex on the kitchen table or wherever.

i know he's sick, but i am suck fucking angry that he is wasting our time like this and that he's pushed me away so much that i'm not sure if we can function as a couple if he ever does get sober! and that's a big "if". i just honestly don't think he will ever get sober.

so here i am feeling: lonely, hopeless, faithless, loveless.

first corinthians 13:4-8 says:

4. love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8. love never fails.

right now, i say love is stupid...and i need to get over that.

back again, no real improvement - 2011-06-02
growing - 2010-05-08
does sharing really mean caring - 2010-04-20
don't want to think about it now - 2010-04-13
trying to figure it out - 2010-04-12