we used to be cool, this used to be love
now it�s become, something like a job
like it or not, maybe things were changing right before our eyes

i tried to be a picture perfect girl
but you were in your own fantasy world
tryna control me like some kind of Barbie
but that just ain�t me
~ dollhouse by priscilla renea

i'm trying to figure out exactly when the love stopped and the dread took over.

i have no idea. all i know is that i dread 4:30 p.m., because that's when he gets off work and [usually] heads to the liquor store, before coming home.

spending time with him gives me a bad feeling in my stomach. almost like guilt, in a way, although i don't know why i should feel guilty, except that i do know why.

i still love him. i'll always love him, but right now i am not in love with him. and all i want is to be in love with him.

i feel like if i keep hanging in there, the feelings will return, but i know that as long as he is actively drinking that they won't. and i don't know that if he returns to rehab and actually gets sober if the feelings can return.

i honestly don't know if the years dealing with the alcoholism have killed us or not. some days i feel like they have.

i am so unhappy. so depressed. thank goodness for anti-depressants or i'd be locked away somewhere.

i feel so trapped right now. and this is the man i loved with my whole heart and could not live without. this was the man who i was so proud to call my husband.

these feelings i have. i just don't like having them at all.

back again, no real improvement - 2011-06-02
growing - 2010-05-08
does sharing really mean caring - 2010-04-20
don't want to think about it now - 2010-04-13
trying to figure it out - 2010-04-12