well, it has been a while since i last wrote anything. i've just been kind of tired. evolving will wear a person out, don'tcha know?

the good news is that i seem to finally be 'getting it', even if he never does.

did you know that i am a separate person from him? obviously i never knew that.

i think the turning point was when i had to write my impact letter to him. the purpose is to let the alcoholic know how his drinking and actions have effected your life.

my first draft of the letter? a bit under 16 pages. i finally whittled it down to 8 pages.

i started out by telling him that i loved him, and i ended it by telling him to re-read the first sentence in the letter...where i told him that i loved him.

in between, i told him some hard truths about himself and his actions and they way they made me feel. including that if he proves to not be committed to his sobriety that our marriage (all 27 years of it folks!) is finished.

i faxed it to his psychologist at the end of last month. he still hasn't read it. i'd know if he had!

the visit was not that bad. it was tiring, 3 hours up and 3 hours back with 3 hours 'in session'. it made for a long day and while i saw several wrecks going up and returning home, i managed to not be involved in any. so yay me!

i really like his psychologist. he has my husband pegged, so there won't be any fooling him. the first thing he said to me was that this was my husbands last shot at treatment and that if he didn't get it and work it this time, that he's more or less going to die.

almost everything he said to me was what i have been saying to myself, to my own psychologist and here! it was just really nice to be validated by someone at a treatment center. in the past all i have heard from people at other centers is what a great guy HE is...this dr. thinks he's a great guy, but he isn't fooled by him.

kind of a nice change.

next week i have to go up and get him for a 'weekend pass'. generally they want them to go home for the pass, but since we live 3 hours away, and since my husband no longer has his driver's license and i refused to drive up there and get him, come home and then 2 days later take him back and come home. so were going to stay in town at a hotel and spend time together. i know what he'll want to do, but i'm very doubtful that there will be any intimacy.

it hit me tonight that he's been up there 5 weeks today and really my evenings haven't changed that much. other than dealing with a guy that's drunk, the rest of my evenings have been the same: watch tv or read or go online.
so for me, other than peace of mind, there is no change.

in the past, when he went to treatment i was just sort of frozen.

i'd love to run to the beach this weekend, but with it being mother's day and me being a mother, i figure i need to be with my kids.

i'm really stressing about this whole oil mess in the gulf...we have sea turtles that nest and we have a couple of inlet lakes that is home to a lot of wild life. and i know so many commercial fishermen's families and of course their livelihood is screwed for the next 20 year.

and on that cheery note, i think i'll go to bed.

back again, no real improvement - 2011-06-02
growing - 2010-05-08
does sharing really mean caring - 2010-04-20
don't want to think about it now - 2010-04-13
trying to figure it out - 2010-04-12