i don't know what's wrong with me. i'm lonely, but i want to be alone. i make plans in the evening, for the next day, and i genuinely look forward to the plans, but by the morning i find i don't feel like dealing with them.

i've probably gained 6 lbs in the past 2 weeks, from eating crap, and even though i know how and what to eat and even though i tell myself that i'm going to get back to taking care of myself, i still grab the most convenient and fattening food item and nosh.

i'm sabotaging myself.

this was going to be a great year, in spite of my turning 50, because i was going to take my life back, in spite of being married to an alcoholic.

instead i'm just wallowing.

i don't want to see anyone, and yet i know i need to see them...especially my shrink. i just don't feel like talking about it anymore for a while.

i'm tired of talking about it.

so of course, every night he calls, and because he's actually sober and because they are working on things, like emotions, he wants to know how i am...

so. how am i?

as if i could really tell him. it might blow him out of the water. do i tell him that i stood in the aisle of the store, looking at cheery cards to send him and almost cried, because i just couldn't buy any that said i loved him? should i tell him that i cannot share how i'm feeling, because i think he'll just use it against me at a later date? should i tell him that i'm scared and i don't know what i want and how i feel, except that i am scared? and i want to be left alone, except that i'm lonely?

and that i don't want to see him and that i don't miss him? that i wish he would stay another 4 weeks after his original time? that i resent what he's put us all through and i resent him?

do i really tell him all that, because i can't see it doing anything but derailing his treatment right now, and even though that shouldn't be my concern, it is.

i feel fucking stupid and fucking abused and fucking tired and fucking lonely and fucking fat and fucking old...and just fucking fucked.

i wish i was a kid again.

it didn't help reading fred's book, although i devoured it in 2 days and absolutely loved it...even if his disclaimer states that if you think it's you in the book, it's not.

i actually didn't see myself, in any shape or form, but i did see a lot of the adventures we had, when we were kids and older...and i actually laughed out loud at one point, because it was so vintage fred and robert...even though the names had been changed to protect the innocent.

his next book takes place 4 years later. a lot of things happened when we got older. i wonder if he'll find a way to write around them? writing about them, well, in the vein of his storytelling, i thing it might destroy the innocence and that's a fine line to tread.

i woke up yesterday morning and realized that all of my innocent love and trust had been slowly squeezed out of me.

i want to feel safe and loved again. i don't know if i ever will. not unless things change. the person i used to trust the most, i now trust the least. i never want him to know what i am thinking or feeling. i never want to look him in the eyes.

i just want things to be the way they used to be, or a close facsimile. looking at old pictures...it's hard to look at them, because when i do, i feel like i'm looking at the world's prize idiot.

i have to go see his attorney today. not sure why, exactly. something about the petition...i hope it's not more bad news.

i used to think 'fore warned is fore armed', but my years with him have taught me that in his family they always kill the messenger.

so i dunno what to do. i told myself i'd eat a good breakfast, take my vitamins and go for a walk this morning.

it's almost 9 a.m. now, and i've done neither. my appointment is at 11:00. guess i should try to eat something. and figure out what to wear...this weigh t gaining thing has put a crimp on my wardrobe. sucks. hate it. hate me.

yeah. right now i'm hating myself a lot.

back again, no real improvement - 2011-06-02
growing - 2010-05-08
does sharing really mean caring - 2010-04-20
don't want to think about it now - 2010-04-13
trying to figure it out - 2010-04-12