"it's a miracle
another miracle
by the grace of God Almighty ...
it's a miracle"

~ roger waters, it's a miracle lyrics

well, he woke up this morning. i stayed up until about 1 p.m., checking on his breathing every 30 minutes until i just couldn't stay awake any longer. and knowing the alarm would be going off in less than 6 hours.

so, he woke up. eventually showered after i took him his coffee. eventually got dressed and showed up in the kitchen and ate a bowl of cereal and then he left for work.

i think he spoke 4 whole sentences to me, one being about the water pressure in the shower and one being about his leaving for work. the other two? minor stuff and nothing to do with what happened last night and his "incident".

i don't know what to call it. a suicide attempt? a failed suicide attempt? a cry for help? an alcoholic being overly dramatic, yet again?

do i feel guilty? do i feel worried? do i feel stupid?

i know if it happens again, i'm going to call 9-1-1. i cannot go through another evening like it did last night. the pit of my stomach in knots with worry. something the alcoholic in him would just love to know about.

does he really love me or is this just his way of controlling me, because everything else is out of his control? if that is the case, he is going to learn that i won't be controlled. i'm supposed to be his wife, not his property.

i know he's sick, but seriously, would you treat someone you love the way he treats me? it's not physical abuse, but it has become emotional abuse. i'm emotionally battered. i recognize that now.

no fucking wonder i'm so depressed.

it's a wonder i didn't just eat everything in the pantry last night..but i didn't. i held firm, told myself that 'nothing tastes as good as being thin feels' and chose to not over eat. small victory for me in an otherwise dismal dismal night.

guh, i cannot believe he didn't say a word about anything to me this morning. nothing. no apologies. no 'i need help'. nothing.

i think i made a huge mistake last night. i think, in spite of his wishes, i should have called 9-1-1. he would have spent the night in the hospital, under care, and this morning there would have been a psychiatric evaluation and maybe they would have kept him for a few days? maybe they would have gotten him to admit that he needs to go back into long-term treatment?

no use second guessing myself now, though. if he pulls it again, though, i'm calling 9-1-1. absolutely.

back again, no real improvement - 2011-06-02
growing - 2010-05-08
does sharing really mean caring - 2010-04-20
don't want to think about it now - 2010-04-13
trying to figure it out - 2010-04-12