"�Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome..."
~ Evanescence, Broken

friday night and before 7 p.m. he's passed out for the night, but not before i got to hear all about how he loves me and i'm the most important thing in the world to him and...well, the same things he tells me every time he drinks.

and i know what is the most important thing in his life to him. booze.

he said tonight that the drinking is so he can come home, be numb and go to sleep.

so, the family doesn't have any time to be with him and i get no chance to give him any comfort.

oh yes, and once again we get into the sex discussion, because that's all he really wants and since it's not happening then he's focused on that.

i suppose it's pretty awful that in my mind i am thinking it's only been a month since the last time we made love.

ah, and he doesn't just want sex, he also wants me to initiate it, so he can 'feel desired and wanted'.

guess what? i don't desire or want him when he's drunk.

the smell of gin gags me...and yes tonight when he kissed me i did pull back, because he smelled like gin and was trying to pull me in for an extended kiss. also he tried to slip me the tongue, which is disgusting when he's been drinking.

and it's the fucking weekend, so i'm basically trapped here with him. or if i want to go anywhere, he'll want to go too, so we can 'spend some time together', but what i really need is some major down time, without having to deal with my alcoholic husband for a couple of days.

i'd go next weekend, but it's fucking valentine's day, and of course he'll be pressing for us to 'make love' on valentine's day.

is it too much to ask for my husband, instead of this other person who just looks like him?

i hate spending yet another night on the sofa watching tv and surfing the 'net.

he's wasting his life and my life with this drinking bullshit.

back again, no real improvement - 2011-06-02
growing - 2010-05-08
does sharing really mean caring - 2010-04-20
don't want to think about it now - 2010-04-13
trying to figure it out - 2010-04-12