i'm so tired.

i received an apology from him yesterday and he actually came home sober.

he admitted that it's gotten out of his control. he also says he can't do anything about it [re: rehab] until he finishes up with some things at work.

he said last night that they were going to let the bank take some of the land, because 6 months of paying interest would equal the amount of paying off the loan.

he said there would be things that need to be cut back on and things that would have to go.

i didn't ask.

i don't want to go there.

i know what's 'going'. i've known it in my heart since all of this began. i think i knew it when we started fixing it up..i'm going to lose my haven. we're going to have to put my beach house on the market.

and it will sell.

i think i could accept this easier if he hadn't always held the house over my head as 'punishment' when he was drunk. he used to always threaten to sell it, until i told him to go a head, because i was tired of hearing him say it.

he stopped using it as a threat.

now it's real, but the resentment remains...i know it's not his fault, but i'm afraid i will be angry with him about selling it, when the time comes.

back again, no real improvement - 2011-06-02
growing - 2010-05-08
does sharing really mean caring - 2010-04-20
don't want to think about it now - 2010-04-13
trying to figure it out - 2010-04-12