heartbroken.

he hasn't told me yet. he probably hasn't had the guts to tell me, but i know that he has spoken with the realtor about listing the beach house.

i know that it's going to be hurried, because they want to put it in their beach publication and it has to go to press soon.

i'm just crushed by this, even though i knew it was going to happen.

i don't understand why i have to sacrifice all of me to this 'happening'. i don't see his fucking brother putting his beach place or the family lake place on the market to sell. nooo, he'll continue to get to use them, as though nothing has been going on.

i bet the beach house sells quickly and i bet i'll be expected to be happy with the fractional down the street.

i've got to get my shit together now, before he comes home tonight. if he's actually sober, he'll try to break it to me gently. if he's drunk again (most likely) then he'll be overly defensive and belligerent about telling me, if he tells me at all.

so i've got to get my shit together and show no emotion.

this part is not his fault, i know. it's the economy and it's his fuck-head of a brother.

i'd be less angry with him about it all if he had only not held selling it over my head all those times, when he was drunk and trying to 'punish' me.

i knew the house was too perfect. too good to be true. i knew somehow i'd lose it.

i had just hoped it wouldn't be so soon.

i guess in the long run i didn't deserve it, after all.

back again, no real improvement - 2011-06-02
growing - 2010-05-08
does sharing really mean caring - 2010-04-20
don't want to think about it now - 2010-04-13
trying to figure it out - 2010-04-12