�to love at all is to be vulnerable. love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless...it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.�
~ cs lewis

the sun is finally shining and it's an absolutely gorgeous, albeit FREEZING weather day.

it's finally monday and everyone is out of the house. i've got the dishwasher and the washing machine running. i'm already dressed and had breakfast.

i have so much to do, and i just can't quite do anything.

today is one of those days where i feel absolutely crushed and i don't give a damn! i know i'm supposed to not show that i am hurting and to dress nicely and put on a 'pleasant' face, in spite of his actions. or that's what al-anon preaches, and this is where the bullshit lies for me.

even though i know that wallowing in depression only begets more depression and that if i make up my mind to be happy and productive that i have the ability to fool myself into believing i'm happy today and that i can then move on to being productive.

i just don't fucking feel like it, okay?

yesterday was pretty horrible. i'm not sure when, exactly, he started drinking, but it was pretty early. i'm not sure how much he had, exactly, but it was quite a lot. he decided to finish painting the wall in our bedroom that he had patched a while back. now we have 4 ruined white towels, splattered with teal paint. we also have paint on the hardwood floors and on the bathroom tile. of course following al-anon's edicts i am to just leave this as it is, and let him deal with his mess. again, more bullshit, in my humble opinion.

no doubt this means i need to get to a meeting. there is one tonight, but i'll be damned if i'll leave my son home with his dad if he's been drinking, just to go to a meeting where i 'take what i need and leave the rest'...because for the most part, i tend to leave it all. right now al-anon is just kitchy quotes and platitudes. nothing else i feel like failing at, because i feel as though my list of failures is a mile long these days. and i'm pretty fucking sick of failing too.

i want to cry and scream and break things and punch things and eat a pound of raw cookie dough.

i want to crawl under the covers in my bed, tell myself a bedtime story and fall into a deep and dreamless sleep. or if i do happen to dream, i want it to
be happy dreams.

i am so unhappy right now. i am so NOT in love with him right now. in fact love is something i don't even understand right now. romantic love, that is...i manage quite well to love my children and love my pets.

it's just one of those days when i am left feeling fractured.

time heals all wounds, or so they say.

back again, no real improvement - 2011-06-02
growing - 2010-05-08
does sharing really mean caring - 2010-04-20
don't want to think about it now - 2010-04-13
trying to figure it out - 2010-04-12