"after the love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
can love thats lost be found?"
~ earth, wind & fire, after the love is gone

do you know what i get to do tonight? i get to wake him up or check on him every 30 minutes, because the dumbass took 3 trazadones on top of drinking a pint of gin. THEN he tells me that i had better not call 9-1-1 or anyone. and since his only wearing his boxers and outweighs me by a good bit, i can't see me hoisting him into my car and taking him to the emergency room.

he's been sober 8 fucking days so far this month/year. that's just fantastic.

last weekend was pretty much a weekend in hell, with his capping it off on sunday by drinking 2.5 pints and me having to put him to bed. which is how i know that there is no way i would be able to get him in my car tonight.

friday night was all about how he was going to kill himself and how he wanted to die. saturday was all about how much he loved me, how i am his life, yada yada blah. to think those words used to mean so much to me, but now they are just words, because he uses them every time he gets drunk. every time. even the times he accuses me of having affairs or whatever.

he says that last bit, because he knows how it gets under my skin. it's so damn insulting, not only to me, but to our marriage when he says that kind of crap. and it always does what he intends it to do, it wounds me to the quick, because he thinks i would do that. me. the one who is doing everything i can to make this marriage work, in spite of his actively drinking..again..

it's no wonder i'm so depressed i don't want to get out of bed in the morning. if it wasn't for the kids, i wouldn't. i'd just stay there all day long and wallow, but i don't get to do that. i get to get up and pretend all is well and fix breakfast and send the kids off to school with a hug and a smile, even on days when i just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

it's just getting crazier and crazier around here and i don't know if they are really going to lose the company or if he's just being drunk-drama queen. gah, if they lose the company, they lose the company. his asshole of a brother is going to be 67 this year anyway. they can retire [oh kill me now] and we can cut back and survive. he, unlike me, has never lived without and i think that scares him.

meanwhile his asshole of a brother is on yet another ski trip with his stupid girlfriend. his version of 'nero fiddling whilst rome burns'. fuckwit!

i just can't wait for the day when he tells me we have to sell our beach house. i think that will be the day when i finally do lose my shit.

i hate being like this. i hate feeling angry. i hate feeling hopeless. i hate feeling bitter. i hate the panicky feeling i get, because i am trying so desperately to fall back in love with him.

i do love him. it would be impossible for me to not love him. sadly, i am not, at the moment, in love with him. and that's crazy scary.

back again, no real improvement - 2011-06-02
growing - 2010-05-08
does sharing really mean caring - 2010-04-20
don't want to think about it now - 2010-04-13
trying to figure it out - 2010-04-12