friday i drove him up north to another treatment center. he will be there for 8 weeks. not long enough, in my estimation, but it beats the other times he has gone, where the most he has stayed was 28 days.

no, I'm not really optimistic about it, because we've done this before. it's really a situation for me where i no longer believe that love is enough to sustain the marriage.

he has a LOT of work to do, as far as proving to me that i can trust him again and he may not feel like he should have to do that work.

it's all pretty much up to him. he can get sober and work on staying that way
and work on repairing our marriage, or he can continue to 'slip up', in which
case well, that will be that. he's slowly killing himself with the drinking. i no longer want to watch that show.

i think my youngest two will understand. our oldest will probably take it the hardest, but that is because his best friend's parents are in the process of getting a divorce.

oddly enough we share the same wedding anniversary, right down to the year, so i'm sure there will be comparisons galore, if we end our marriage.

as sad as i feel, i also have the feeling that a huge weight has been lifted from my chest and my shoulders. it's all very clear now. he's either sober as a recovering alcoholic and my husband, or he's an active and fully functioning alcoholic, in which we are no longer together.

i'm fairly certain i can live with my decision.

his psychologist called from the treatment center a little while ago. seems shrewd. we had a nice conversation, so different from the first time this happened, back in 2003. it's highly possible that my husband was in the room and listening to everything i said. that's what happened last time and i felt ambushed, because he called me and tried to rip my head off over the phone.

and i was a rehab virgin back then, so i thought everything was my fault.

so this time, well, if he was listening then he needed to hear what i said. i also suggested that the
psychologist call the person who claims to be his brother. i think he should be involved in this recovery process, just as much as the rest of us. he's a big part of what is going on with my husband..and if for no other reason than he needs to understand that he isn't an alcoholic because he is weak. he is an alcoholic because he's an alcoholic.

you know i am tired of all of this alcoholism shit. i'm tired of living it and i'm tired of writing about it.

back again, no real improvement - 2011-06-02
growing - 2010-05-08
does sharing really mean caring - 2010-04-20
don't want to think about it now - 2010-04-13
trying to figure it out - 2010-04-12