"but what do you say to taking chances,
what do you say to jumping off the edge?
never knowing if there's solid ground below
or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
what do you say,
what do you say?"

this is pretty much what he is asking of me. only it's not the first time he's asked it of me and i don't know if i am actually brave enough to take another chance.

it seems everyone at his treatment center is getting divorced. so when he calls me, he always wants my reassurance that we are fine and that we are together,etc.

he tells me i'm his best friend. i've heard this all before, but i don't believe best friends treat each other the way he has treated me, over the past few years.

i don't believe he knows the hell he has actually put us through. i don't think he can understand. i'm sure i will be expected to let it all go and forgive him, because he "can't change the past".

if every phone call i receive from him, for the next 7 weeks is about him asking if i am going to wait for him, or if we're still good or whatever version of reassurance he wants, i think i will go crazy.

i cannot make him any promises. i also cannot tell him, this early in treatment, that this is the last stand for us, as far as i am concerned, and that if he doesn't work the program then we are really done.

i think he knows this, deep down, but i'm worried that if i actually say it, then he'll grab onto that as an excuse to fail treatment and drink...because that's what he's always done. grabbed on to the negative and let it be his excuse.

2 days in a row of a migraine. i'm supposed to be taking it easy and relaxing and enjoying being away from the constant stress of whether or not he will be sober and my body won't let me.

it's like i held it together for as long as i could, and then now it's just failing.

i'm depressed.

i haven't seen any of my friends since this whole new chapter of the nightmare began. i've spoken with a few on the phone, or through email or facebook...but nothing face to face. i just don't think i can right now.

it's humiliating to know that the whole town knows what happened. and it's humiliating to know that that petition was signed. and that the police are driving through our neighborhood 2-3 times a day, even though he's not here.

i'm worried about the money holding up while he's gone, but at the same time i felt a huge jolt of hope when he told me that the psychiatrist up there suggested he stay for 12 weeks instead of 8 weeks.
of course he won't do that. i wish he would. the kids will be out of school and we can go to the beach without him and actually enjoy ourselves.

i don't even want to thing about the next 3 years and his not being able to drive. i don't even want to think about his not taking this seriously, once again. i don't want to think about our marriage ending.

maybe that's where my migraine is coming from? who knows. i don't.

back again, no real improvement - 2011-06-02
growing - 2010-05-08
does sharing really mean caring - 2010-04-20
don't want to think about it now - 2010-04-13
trying to figure it out - 2010-04-12