the stress has made an old enemy flare up. my tinnitus is vibrating in my right ear. it's not constant, and i can still sort of massage the ear, or press on it gently and the vibrating stops, but it's an annoyance i can do without!

i'm exhausted this morning. i barely slept last night. in part because i'm tense and in part because he was restless.

his court date is at 1 p.m. today. tomorrow i drive him up to treatment, unless they decide he needs to go to jail tomorrow.

it's all so fucked up. last night he wanted to cuddle on the sofa. it was pretty much the last thing i wanted. i felt as though he was invading my space. that makes sense, because we've hardly spent any time together when he's sober and when he's drunk he just paws me.

he also asked me if we could 'make love' before he leaves. he claimed he wouldn't be angry about my response. i told him that i just didn't know...i was hedging. i do know. the answer is no. i can't go there right now. it's not that i don't have any desires and it's not that i don't love him...i just don't feel safe enough with him right now.

it's not that i'm afraid he'll physically hurt me, it's just that it would be like having sex with someone i barely know.

not down for it.

he's already called twice this morning...i've got to run some tax stuff by the office in a bit. i had wanted some quiet and peaceful time this morning, to steel myself for court this afternoon.

now i've got a drumming ear and an rolling stomach.

i honestly wish it were saturday already. he'd be gone and i could breathe.

stupid tinnitus!

back again, no real improvement - 2011-06-02
growing - 2010-05-08
does sharing really mean caring - 2010-04-20
don't want to think about it now - 2010-04-13
trying to figure it out - 2010-04-12