he doesn't even remember what happened yesterday. doesn't know how he got home. has no idea that he plowed down a stop sign in our neighborhood. has no idea that he insulted his brothers girlfriend [okay, that was pretty funny, and everything he said was true, but still!]. has no idea that he once again took a swing at me and that he was shoving me in front of him when i was trying to help him get in bed [caught on video tape by our sun, btw].

this morning he told me he thought he wouldn't wait until wednesday and that he would just stop driving now. i told him that was right, because i had given his brother the keys.

he got all pissy, because he wanted it to be HIS fucking choice. well he lost the choice when he drove drunk, again, and ran over a stop sign, again.

i told him that the car was in my name and that i was not going to be held responsible for any of this driving issues.

he said i wouldn't get in trouble...well what the fuck does he know? when i did talk to my bff's attorney husband yesterday, he said that technically the police could go after me, if they wanted, as it was implied permission and also it could be construed that i was trying to hide evidence by parking the car in the garage...

of course he also said that the police would much rather go after the drunk driver, to keep him off the road, rather than the beleaguered wife of said drunk driver. i would hope that is the case. i'm not lying for him, or covering anything up for him.

he thinks he has another key to the car. he said that this morning. what he doesn't know is that i've already stashed it away. hope i don't forget where it is!

he's called 5 times today from work. the first 3 calls had him being pretty assy towards me. the 4th was an apology call. the 5th was to tell me that he loved me and that he was looking at our family picture on his desk, with the 5 of us from our last hawaii trip. he also said he felt like he was still drunk...i'm sure he was. i have no idea how much he drank, but it was a lot.

he said this morning that he was going to rehab asap. of course that depends on if he has to go to jail or not. i don't care what he does. i just want him gone for a while. 60 days in jail or 60-90 days in rehab are all the same to me, right now.

he's hired our daughter to drive him home from the office, $50 a week. that won't last long...he needs to be responsible and get a driver or call a taxi. i might just call one for him, sometime, if it's not very convenient for someone in the family to pick him up...of course then he'd stop at a liquor store, but that's his fucking choice.

i think he knows. i really think he knows that it's about over. had he received a dui yesterday, i would be in a attorney's office this morning, getting all the information i would need to file for a divorce.

i'm ready for a break. i'm ready for him to be out of here for a while.

if i can stand it. if i can hang in there just a little longer. if i can not panic, freedom will be just around the corner.

it's spring. time for change. i want to spring clean. i want to change linens and take old pictures down from the walls and hang new ones. i want to have a garage sale and get rid of a bunch of the crap in the house. i want to move furniture around.

i want to get back in shape. i want to go out to dinner with friends. i want to go to the movies. i want to laugh.

i feel like i can do all of these things with. him. gone. the first thing i plan on doing is taking the denali [in the dead of night] to the office and parking it there. it's crowding the garage right now. it think it will be pleasant to have it gone, and to allow my oldest son to park his car in the garage, leaving the driveway clear.

ooooh, and i want to plant some flowers and whatnot. and i want to go to the beach with out drunky mcdrunkerson and his asshole antics haunting me.

i just want to live for a while.

see if i can suss out my life.

see if i can remember why i'm still married to this person who i would not spend one moment with if i weren't in a relationship with him.

back again, no real improvement - 2011-06-02
growing - 2010-05-08
does sharing really mean caring - 2010-04-20
don't want to think about it now - 2010-04-13
trying to figure it out - 2010-04-12