�i have three phobias which, could i mute them, would make my life as slick as a sonnet, but as dull as ditch water: i hate to go to bed, i hate to get up, and i hate to be alone.�
~ tallulah bankhead

sometimes actually i don't mind being alone, but i have been alone so much lately that i find that i am...lonely.

i don't think i have seen any of my girlfriends since before christmas, although we have had contact via email and i have 'talked' to sr on facebook messaging. in fact, we are going to attempt to meet at starget's some time this morning.

"starget's" is our local target, which also houses a starbucks. weird because in the same shopping center there is a kroger grocery store with a target and around the corner is a free standing starbucks. sr will have coffee and some kind of muffin creation and i will have water and we'll talk.

don't give me too much credit, with all the stress going on, I managed to devour 1.6875 lbs of peanut m&m's over the past 2 days. was i hungry? not really. how do i feel about it? shitty.

i'll be 50 in 9 weeks and i need to lose 25 lbs to be back in shape, but most days i really don't fucking care. however i will care when i turn 50 and am 25 lbs [or possibly more] overweight.

i wonder what today will bring me? i know i have an appliance dude coming between 11:00 and 2:00. i know i have an appointment to get an h1n1 vaccination at 1:45. i know i have an appointment with my psychologist at 2:00. i know i need to slip by the cemetery and pick up the 4 wreaths that are on the graves and put them away until next christmas.

i just wonder what will happen outside of what i know. like will he come home sober? will he drink again? will he be in bed by 7:00 again tonight? when will i begin to embrace my loneliness as normal?

back again, no real improvement - 2011-06-02
growing - 2010-05-08
does sharing really mean caring - 2010-04-20
don't want to think about it now - 2010-04-13
trying to figure it out - 2010-04-12