"i hate myself for loving you
can't break free from the things that you do
i wanna walk, but i run back to you, that's why
i hate myself for loving you."
~joan jett, i hate myself for loving you

what a long fucking night. he nursed a 5th of gin for most of the day, so that he was impaired, but not overtly.

i still called him on it though.

he wanted to "talk" and he wanted to prove a point, so he sat with me for 3 hours, instead of going to bed early, like he usually does when he drinks.

i think hew wanted to not leave me to be lonely, but honestly i'd rather be lonely than sitting with him when he's been drinking.

the staring. the glaring. the mumbling to himself. making sure to take offense to the smallest gesture or word that i make...or don't make.

and yes, wanting to "talk" about how he "desires me". wants to "make love" with me. wants to "be" with me.

and all i can say is that it's up to him and that he makes the choice.

gaw, and he ran into our former sister-in-law today, who is marrying a recovering alcoholic. so now he has decided he will go to the meetings with this poor guy, who has been sober for quite a while.

or maybe he's just all talk? i don't know. he says the most alarming things when he drinks.

today he said that we would have to mortgage everything we own and then probably end up living in a 2 bedroom apartment and that he would never work again. he also said he didn't know where he would get the money to pay next months bills.

i honestly don't know what the fuck is going on, because when he drinks he just says shit. i don't know if it's really that bad, or if he's just panicking because he's never gone without anything in his life and now he's going to have to cut back...i don't know.

i'm trying to remain calm. do we really have no money at all? are they really going to take everything away? am i burying my head in the sand or not panicking unduly?

hell if i know...if it really comes down to not being able to pay bills, i can certainly sell some jewelry.

everyday i look in the paper for a job. there is really nothing out there for which i am qualified. i'm a relic. the last of the honest to goodness baby-boomer housewives. i didn't finish college, i got married, and while i did work for the first 5 years of our marriage, it was in an office setting. and what i did then is very outdated now.

i never should have trusted him, i should have always just trusted myself. and look where it's gotten me to trust him. hell if i know where it's gotten me...

he finally got up from his chair and went back to our bedroom, to go in his closet and down the last 10 oz. of gin. i guess in one gulp, because when he came back he could barely walk or talk.

it used to be the small bottles of gin would make him woozy. the he upped the ante to 1 and 1/2 bottles, with a whole 5th being the thing that made him just blotto. now it seems he can almost drink a 5th and he can somewhat function, as opposed to being face down on the floor.

a 5th of gin. that stuff is 80 proof too!

oh, and the smell will be awful tomorrow.

back again, no real improvement - 2011-06-02
growing - 2010-05-08
does sharing really mean caring - 2010-04-20
don't want to think about it now - 2010-04-13
trying to figure it out - 2010-04-12