"There's a New World Coming
And it's just around the bend
There's a new world coming
This one's coming to an end."
~ Cass Elliot, New World Coming

a glance at the first stanza of that old song from the 60's and it looks as though i'm being apocalyptical. which does not look like a real word, i know, but trust me it is. i double checked in the dictionary, just to make certain.

so. new-ish tone today, do you notice? i'm not certain exactly why. the entire weekend was horrible for me, although he didn't have a drink until yesterday, so we had 3 days and nights of a sober husband/father in the house.

i guess i was the reason for the horrible. i was just soooo depressed. it was the kind where you go to bed exhausted and wake up 8-10 hours later even more exhausted and you just don't want to do anything. i really didn't have the desire to do a damn thing.

that being said, the boys and i got the rest of the christmas stuff stored away in the attic for another year, and now the house is denuded of the holiday. except for my curio cabinet, which holds the best of my santa collection, although it's odd, because it never really catches the eye, except once a year.

i don't know why today was different when i woke up. it started that way, at least, although now i am beginning to feel that little nagging doubt in the pit of my stomach, but maybe that just means i need to eat? or maybe it's a subtle reminder that after i post this entry and check my emails that i need to turn of the computer and "do something"?

anyway, i really don't know why waking up this morning was better than it has been in a while..maybe it's because my new anti-depressants have finally kicked in? maybe it's because the sun is actually shining a little bit? maybe it's because my spirit and my mind and my body were just tired of being depressed?

whatever.

if i can find a way to erase this nagging in my stomach, then perhaps it won't work it's way up into my head and my heart and i can enjoy the day?

i just wish he were going to the office this morning, because he will want to 'hang out' to try to make up for yesterday. and that really helps nothing, because i am beyond pretending that it's "okay" or that i "understand and forgive" his slips. only because they aren't slips, they are pretty much daily occurrences. in fact the 'slip' seems to be when he is sober. which sort of illustrates how upside down my life has become.

8 short weeks and 2 minor days and i turn a half-a-century old. in a way i'm sort of looking forward to it, but in another way i'm very much dreading it. the age doesn't bother me that much, it's just realizing that i will be '50 years old', because that just sounds old. i really don't feel that old, except when i am at my lowest point of depression.

my being 50 means my oldest will be 22 this year, my middle child will be 20 this year and my baby will be 18 by years end and a senior in high school. my baby. see that is the thing that bothers me about turning 50. the time has passed so quickly that i can barely remember the days of 'barney' and 'thomas the tank engine' and 'fred penner's place', 'david the gnome', 'winnie the pooh'...high chairs and sticky hugs and breathless baby voices calling "mommy" with such happiness when they would see me.

my problem is that my children were my life's focus, and now they are young adults and basically gone...and that leaves me at home with a man who will always be an alcoholic, but who may choose to remain a functioning alcoholic, rather than one in recovery.
that's both scary and depressing.

either way, i have to rediscover happiness and joy in my life, because i cannot live the next 30-40 years, lord willing, the way i have lived the past 10 years. so something has got to give, and today it doesn't appear that it will be me.

just for today...
Just for today: I will try to live through this day only,
and not tackle all my problems at once.
I can do something for twelve hours that
would appall me if I felt that I had to
keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today: I will be happy. This
assume to be true what Abraham Lincoln said,
*Most folks are as happy as they make up their
minds to be.*

Just for today: I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will
Take my *luck* as it comes, and fit myself into it

Just for today:I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study.
I will not be a mental loafer.
I will read something that requires effort.
Thought and concentration.

Just for today: I will exercise my soul
in three ways: it will do somebody a good turn
and not get found out; if anybody know of it, it
will not count. I will do at least two things I
don't want to do-- just for exercise. I will
not show anyone that my feelings are hurt: they may
be hurt but today I will not show it.

Just for today: I will be agreeable. I will
look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice
low,be courteous,criticize not one bit. I won't find
fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate
anybody else but myself.

Just for today: I will have a program.
I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it.
I will save myself from two pests: Hurry and Indecision's.

Just for today: I will have a quiet half
hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour,
sometime I will try to get a better perspective of
my life.

Just for today: I will be un-afraid.
Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what
is beautiful,and to believe that as I give to the
world, so the world will give back to me.
~ al anon