i just can't win for losing.

this morning he revealed his 'big idea' to fix things.

he said if we put having sex every night 'on the table' that maybe the drinking would stop!

yeah. he said that. basically blaming me for his drinking. maybe that's not what he meant, but look at it in black and white. "if we have sex every night, i won't want to drink". yeah. he thinks that too.

sooo, it's all my fault that he's an alcoholic!

stupidly, i went ballistic, followed shortly by falling apart and sobbing. why i can't just be calm when i am upset, instead of melting into a puddle of tears, i'll never know. it sucks and always undermines me.

everytime.

so, i sent him to work with guilty feelings, because i told him about how he tried to force himself on me (and hey yeah, that makes a girl want to make love, let me tell ya...NOT!) and hurt feelings. which only gives the alcohol fueled beast in his brain more ammunition.

hell, he's probably already been to the liquor store.

feeling shitty, i sent him an email, which i'll either regret or he'll actually read and gain a little insight into how crazy his thought process has become.

"I'm sorry. All I can say is that I am incredibly hurt by all of this,
incredibly confused and incredibly heartbroken.

It wasn't fair to go off on you like that and I apologize. I know you are sick
and I know it's not fair and I'm trying so hard to not be angry with you, when
you come home impaired. I'm trying so hard to not take to heart the things you
say to me when you are impaired.

Lately you have either been angry about sex, been threatening me with divorce or
been threatening to kill yourself. It's very hard to remain composed when I
hear these things almost nightly.

I love you. I don't love the person you become when you are drunk, because he
scares me. He is capable of anything, because the threats, the lies and the
anger come out of his mouth so easily. I have seen more of that person than I
have seen of my husband, so yes you frighten me, and I wish you didn't.

Last Wednesday was the first time you've made a move to physically hurt me in
quite a while. Fortunately, for us, both times you were too impaired.

If our marriage was 'normal' then I would say your idea would be great, but it's
not and we can't apply 'help the marriage tips' to us, right now...I'm ever
hopeful that one day this will be behind us and we can look forward to our
future together. It's that hope that gets me up out of the bed in the morning.

To me, it seems the issue seems to boil down to 2 things: for you it is sex and
for me it is your sobriety. I can't give you what we both want, as long as you
are actively drinking (with no visible end in sight) and you can't seem to give
me what I want, until you are ready to stop.

I'm very sorry if this morning hurt you, because I really do try to NOT say or
do things that add to your pain. I know this has been an unbearable time for
you, both professionally and personally. I wish I could help you. I really
want to be there for you, but it doesn't seem to be possible. You like to do
things by yourself, with no help.

I love you. I wish that were enough for you. I wish you believed in that."

i guess if i get a response, i'll post it here as an addendum. i'm not expecting an answer that is more than 3 words, however.

back again, no real improvement - 2011-06-02
growing - 2010-05-08
does sharing really mean caring - 2010-04-20
don't want to think about it now - 2010-04-13
trying to figure it out - 2010-04-12