where to begin? i turned 50 on tuesday. we're at the beach this week. he made it all the way until wednesday before he began drinking. last night he left the house without saying anything to anyone and when he came back, an hour later, he was driving the car with no lights on and with the emergency break on. i guess he's damn lucky he didn't get pulled over or in another wreck.

tonight we were going to go to dinner and i realized he was drunk and so i told him we weren't going out to dinner. the kids didn't want to go with him.

we had a huge ass fight with him telling me that our marriage was over and that he wanted a divorce. he called me lazy and said i had no ambition. of course anytime i show any ambition he manages to make me regret the efforts.

i swear he was happy with making me cry tonight. i never usually do anymore, but tonight i did. before i started crying he got in my face and tried to intimidate me with his 'scary' face, only it has no effect on me.

i told him he would not be driving any of the cars tomorrow when we leave. he wanted to drive home my old convertible to fix up and sell on eBay. i agree that we need to sell it, because it's just sitting here and not being driven, yet we pay for tags and insurance every year...and had he not been drinking for the past 3 days and driven it last night, drunk, then i would have had no problem.

now i simply do not trust him to drive it home. since he totaled his car, he doesn't own any. we put all the cars in my name, for money managements sake. i don't think i want to open myself up to a lawsuit if he drives drunk again in a car that i own.

he's passed out in bed now. to his credit he came to me an hour ago and hugged me and told me he loved me and that he was sorry.

i just feel that if he were truly sorry that he would do something about this...he told me tonight that he didn't want to live anymore. that death was preferable.

i wanted to say, 'just go ahead then, if you are so miserable'...i was hella pissed at the moment and hearing him say that he would rather be dead and that he would kill himself just flew all over me. it's such a selfish thing to say and do. fortunately, at that moment i did keep my mouth shut.

earlier? not so much. he got a lot of 'fuck yous', 'asshole', 'prick' and 'selfish asshole' out of me tonight. not my finest hour, but to my credit i had sent the kids to publix to pick up some lettuce for the salad for dinner, and made all of them go.

ironically i would really love a drink right now. how stupid is that?

i'm depressed, distressed and i've been over-eating. i need to stop letting this run my life and start living. he can drink all he wants, if that's what he wants, but i cannot afford to let his shit run my life or ruin my health.

and now i'm just free-writing...saying the same old shit ad nauseum.

i think i'll give myself a manicure. revlon opulent pink.

back again, no real improvement - 2011-06-02
growing - 2010-05-08
does sharing really mean caring - 2010-04-20
don't want to think about it now - 2010-04-13
trying to figure it out - 2010-04-12