he's drunk again. he passed out around 6:30 after asking me to fix him something to eat. i made a bowl of tomato soup with milk and put out cheese and those little oyster crackers that he like, but he walked away from the table and crawled into bed.

i just hope he remembered to remove his contact lenses. i'm tired of the drama of him not being able to find them, because they've fallen in the sink or on the counter or he left one in his eye.

i drove home yesterday from the beach. he was unhappy with that choice, but tough titty. he made some noise about driving my old convertible, but i told him it will keep.

i think he's freaking out over a message he received from his attorney. he wants to meet with us on thursday morning. it's either news of some kind of deal the attorney has managed to cut or it's news that they got it all on video tape and that d is screwed.

at this point i'm not sure which i want it to be...his being in jail for 60 days will be inconvenient for the rest of the family and harrowing for him. i will worry about his being beaten up or abused by other people there. i will also worry that they won't allow him to have his cpap machine or his allergy medication. he's liable to end up in the hospital.

then again, i think it will be the right lesson for our kids if he does have to serve his 60 days. i just wish he'd be strong about it and tell the kids that he screwed up and that he's paying for his crime, but i know instead he'll cry and whine and tell them he'll miss them, etc. for lack of better words, i wish he'd 'man up' and i know he won't/can't because of this addiction.

60 days away from him could be a blessing. i need some away time. of course there will be visitations or whatnot and phone calls...and there will be crying and whining then. i know this from past experience with him in treatment programs...

speaking of which, we got a letter from a fucking collection agency today, to the tune of $5,000 and some change from his 2nd treatment center, that he went to 5 years ago. i'm not sure what the hell that is about, and i sure don't know where we'll be scrounging up an additional $5 grand plus! maybe insurance was supposed to cover it? i can't ask him right now, that's for sure, him being passed out and all that.

i've got a line on a job this week, so i can make a couple of $100, or more, depending. i've been looking at some continuing ed courses where i can get a certificate as a paralegal or as a pharmacy tech, and i probably should take one of those courses, but i can't help but think that i need to stay true to my creative self.

then again, if we need the money, any job will do, so my being 'picky' probably isn't smart, but i don't want to throw good money away either.

back on metabolic tomorrow. i have no idea how much i weigh, but after this past month, i'm sure i've gained back all 10 lbs that i've lost. which means i have 40 lbs to lose...again...so of course i'm having peanut m&m's for dinner. the stress relievers that melt in your mouth and not in your hand.

back again, no real improvement - 2011-06-02
growing - 2010-05-08
does sharing really mean caring - 2010-04-20
don't want to think about it now - 2010-04-13
trying to figure it out - 2010-04-12