really horrible night. really. horrible. night.

i was so looking forward to dinner with my friends, and i did go to dinner, because i promised myself that i would, but oh the drama before i left for dinner...just awful.

so he leaves work at 2:00 because he doesn't "feel well". i'm at my counseling session, and afterward I go to visit my mom. this is something i do every wednesday, only varies if mom is out of town.

while i'm in my session he calls and leaves me a message, "i don't know where you are or what you are doing *click* " nice hang up.

this totally gave me an idea of what i would be walking into when I got home.

he drank a 5th of gin. he was passed out in bed, so i jumped in the shower, to get ready for dinner. when i was almost finished he climbs into the shower with me!

yeah. he had been drinking a lot by then and he does know i will not do anything with him when he's drunk. so then he tries to force himself on me, but he's so drunk it's really not a problem and i get out of the shower and try SO HARD to just act like nothing is going on.

the one person i used to trust the most just tried to force me to have sex with him. i still can't wrap my mind around that one.

soooo, he gets all pissy about my 'refusing' him and 'rejecting' him and starts in about how we should just get a divorce, yada yada blahdy blah. i'm trying to maintain my cool. not easy. not at all.

i go up stairs and watch a little tv with my youngest son, and then i go into my daughters room and just sit on her bed, in the dark for, i don't know how long.

dinner was for 6:30, so at 6:00 i go down stairs to get dressed and there he is, waiting for me, waiting to rip into me.

he knew how important dinner was for me tonight and yet he pulled this shit on me.

when i left for dinner he was lying on his closet floor. could i have helped him up? sure, but by that time i just felt the best thing for all would be for me to leave and give him some time to cool off.

i was gone for 2 hours. the boys went out to dinner themselves, because their dad wasn't going to feed them and they had already told me to just go get ready for my dinner with my friends and not worry about fixing dinner for them.

i come home to this drunken ramble of a note that says, and I quote, "if you are not interested in making love with me, then we should just get a divorce."

why on this green earth would i ever want to "make love" with him when he's drunk? seriously? why would he think i would want that? and why on earth would he call it "making love" when he tried to force himself on me?

i know the answers, because he was drunk...i'm just dreading when he wakes up in the morning and what his selective memories will tell him.

he's gone from being a 'fun sucker' to a 'soul crusher' all in the space of 24 hours.

i'd cry, but i'm all cried out. i just want to smack some sense into him.

he is calling all the shots. it's his choices that are going to make or break this marriage.

and he's choosing poorly.

back again, no real improvement - 2011-06-02
growing - 2010-05-08
does sharing really mean caring - 2010-04-20
don't want to think about it now - 2010-04-13
trying to figure it out - 2010-04-12